🎓 How to Stay Broke Forever in the Philippines

Enroll in These Timelessly Useless Trainings

If your lifelong dream is to own nothing, earn nothing, and remain economically irrelevant, you’re in luck. The Philippines has just the right menu of trainings to keep you financially stagnant and spiritually exhausted.

Welcome to the College of Continuing Poverty—a loyalty program for the broke. Complete with a certificate, a tote bag, and an existential crisis.

It’s the sister school of Copy/Paste University—where outdated modules meet recycled mediocrity in the age of AI.

🧠 The Curriculum of Collapse

1. 🥩 Meat Processing for Vegans

Because nothing says “inclusive livelihood” like handing meat grinders to people who haven’t chewed pork since birth, in a country that builds rivers to justify bridges, we also create training programs with pure meat and zero logic.

Truly innovative. No relevance. Maximum confusion.

2. ⌨️ Advanced Typewriting for Windows 11

Do you know what’s more powerful than ChatGPT? A certificate in Advanced Typewriting. Learn how to jam a ribbon, align paper manually, and correct errors with white ink—because autocorrect is witchcraft.

3. 🎍 Bamboo Crafting for Digital Nomads

Nothing boosts your remote work career like building a walis tingting. Who needs Python when you can make a broom? Bonus: You might get featured beside a barong made of pineapple fiber that no one wears.

4. 🏪 How to Start a Sari-Sari Store on a Sidewalk That’s Already Illegal

Taught by mentors who also failed. Includes free tarp signage that says “NO CREDIT,” because poverty must also come with paranoia. The course ends when the authority removes your stall.

5. 📉 Marketing 101: How to Sell to People Who Have No Money

If your target market is fellow broke trainees, congratulations—you’re already immersed in your demographic. Modules include:

“Pricing Strategy: Guess and Hope”
“Social Media Ads Without Budget or Skills”
“How to Compete with Lazada Using GCash QR Code Printed on Cartolina”

6. 🧾 Data Encoding for AI-Powered Companies That No Longer Hire Humans

Let’s train people to type 60 WPM for jobs replaced by algorithms last year. Bonus points if your module still uses Excel 2007 and floppy disks.

7. 🐧 Leadership Workshop for Leaders Who Will Never Be Allowed to Lead

Get inspired! Then return to your job as a contract worker. It’s like giving wings to penguins: motivational but ultimately… flightless.

📉 Why This Keeps Happening

Because we “teach them how to fish”—but forget to check if there’s even water. The boat is owned by someone else, the net is imported, and the buyers are overseas.

As we wrote in Aligning Poverty Alleviation with Value Chain Thinking:

“They can even train the dead to bury themselves, yet months later, many recipients of training and toolkits remain jobless and earn below minimum wage.”

We don’t lack goodwill. We lack value chain logic.

🧠 What Could Actually Work?

Stop dumping funds on isolated trainings. Start linking:

🛍️ Product → to actual demand
⚙️ Process → to real efficiency
👥 People → to relevant skills
🌍 Place → to a real role in the economy

Until then, enroll in that next course. You might not earn—but at least you’ll have a laminated certificate and a tote bag to carry your dreams.

🧒 Too Cryptic? Explain Like I’m 12

Imagine you’re hungry. Someone teaches you how to cook—but gives you no ingredients, no stove, and no place to sell the food. Then they give you a certificate and say, “Good luck!”

That’s what these trainings feel like. They teach you how to fish—but forget the ocean.

📌 Disclaimer

This is satire—but not a joke. These things actually happen. In a country where rivers are built to justify bridges, and training programs defy common sense, the absurd often becomes reality.

We stay broke not by accident, but by design—especially when we keep electing leaders we end up deserving.